Bless you, Isla Fisher, for letting us know your mother was tea-bagged. On American morning television.

Picture this.

Now read this:

“A kitchen supervisor at a federal prison in Arizona was arrested this week after an FBI surveillance camera recorded him engaging in a (food) storage room ménage a trois with two male inmates who told investigators that they received cigarettes in return for participating in such sexual activity, according to court records.”

Again, this happened in a prison FOOD storage room.

When the guards scream time for “chow” — clearly they mean time to “chow cock.”

Read the rest of the story here. And you MUST read the police report. 

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/sex-in-federal-prison-398561#.UEefBJ-aw68.tumblr

This is former porn star Angie Savage. 

She’s about to do a full-insertion into the hot dog business.

In the city of DIX…

Ok, it’s “Dixon.” But Dix would’ve been genius for marketing. 

She’s legit calling her business “Angie’s Wieners.”

Why not?

Lets be honest—it would’ve been a nice gesture had Rick Santorum worn a condom, last night, when he gave it to Mitt Romney in the ass throughout Missouri, Minnesota and Colorado…

…even if said condom featured the face of Mitt Romney himself.

Yup. Now you can even bring politics to the sack.

A New York-based condom company launched a new line of rubbers poking fun at the Republican presidential candidate on Wednesday

The prophylactic’s packaging features a caricature of a beaming Romney splayed on pictures of hundred dollar bills with the slogan, “Never Settle.”

“I think you see a lot of people who are really unhappy with the choices in the Republican primary,” Benjamin Sherman, founder of “Say It With A Condom,” told the Daily News. “We’re saying people shouldn’t settle when picking their political candidates or their partners.”

On the Romney condom website, the company riffs on the multimillionaire, saying the product is “tax free so even the poor can afford them” and that it’s for anyone “with an elitist penis.”

Maybe you-know-who should hand these out for House Republicans to use too…

Dear President Obama….

As of today, opponents of ”Obamacare” have so many other things to be concerned with when it comes to health care.

And, we have this gentleman to thank for it:

Mr. Hal Weston, 46.

He gives a new meaning to the title “Head Nurse.”

Ya see, Hal, a hospital caregiver in Utah, is facing a sodomy charge after police brought a passed-out, Lindsay-Lohan-style-drunk male to the hospital at which he is employed. 

At the hospital, the unconscious man was put into an exam room, which was concealed behind a curtain.

Within minutes, the cops discovered one other thing concealed in the exam room: the dick of the passed out man in Nurse Hal’s mouth.

Yes, he was caught blowing the MOTHER-FUCKING unconscious patient.

Wait, WHAT?

An officer, who had been writing a police report, went into the exam room to check up on the unconscious man around 2AM…

…which is when the chaos was going down—so to speak.

The hospital worker was then arrested and transported to the county lockup. He bailed out of custody later in the day.

FYI, that special treatment IS covered under Obama’s plan.

With all due respect, and from first hand experience, if you’ve ever spent time in Montgomery, Alabama—you pretty much want to end it all after a few hours.

That said, the naked (alive) corpses that curious onlookers got an eyeful of yesterday weren’t bored visitors to the southern city, but were actually members of the animals rights group PETA—dramatizing their animal rights agenda.

Tascha Jones, one of the corpse protesters at the event, said she is happy to bare her skin whenever it helps save animals’ skins.

“With all the luxurious alternatives available, there’s absolutely no excuse to wear animal skins,” Jones said.

Speaking of living corpses—did anyone else think Ron Paul looked a little pale & ill at last nights debate?

God bless him, but he did not look well.

Maybe PETA should look in to where Ron Paul stands on animal rights.

Before he gets a tan from one of those 25 mile bike rides.

He’ll have some free time soon.

Last night’s State Of The Union speech was SOLID.

During the speech, President Obama suggested that students should stay in high school until they graduate or turn 18.

Later in the evening, Miley Cyrus made a powerful argument in favor of this idea:

They grow up so fast.

Apparently it was her boyfriend, Liam Hemsworth’s, birthday.

You can no longer tell Miley Cyrus to “eat a dick.”

Stay in school.

Dear, Mitt:

Is Bain Capital hiring? If so, do I have a great girl for you.

A REAL ball buster.

Stay your distance, but say hello to Savannah “Bambam” Rios.

Accused TESTICLE PUNCHER.

Cutie, huh?

Rios, a resident of Utah, 24, is facing several felony charges after a bizarre attack, last week, on a man she recently DATED.

The lunacy began after her ex confronted her for allegedly stealing his shit. 

He told police that he went to meet with Rios at a Salt Lake City residence, where he “was lead to a back backroom” where she was seated on the bed.

Identified only by the initials “G.A.”—the victim said that Rios slapped him several times, pulled out a knife, and asked him, “You wanna die?”

(Sounds like MY last relationship) 

Rios then ordered “G.A.” to remove his clothes. She then grabbed the man’s belt, “wrapped it around her hand, and hit him several times in the mother-fucking ‘BALLS.’”      

At this point, I imagine the answer to her question was “Yes, I WANT TO DIE.”

After pleading for his life, the man told cops, Rios allowed him and his bruised balls to get dressed. She then directed him to drive to his home, where she allegedly forced him to give her a DVD player, camera, and phones.

Oh…and on the way to the residence, Rios stabbed  “G.A” with the knife, police charged.

While at the man’s home, ”G.A” subsequently escaped and “ran for help at a nearby police station.” 

Rios, who was still in the vehicle when cops arrived. She remains locked up in lieu of $100,000 bail.

Lesson here? Dating a girl named “BamBam”….never a good idea.

That said, she’ll do just fine at Bain.  

I’ll be SUPER honest with you: I’ve dated some not-so-fresh smelling women.

One in particular tried to make me believe that her foul odor was her “natural” scent, and that I should “love her for it anyway.”

Don’t fall for this.

Because of this nightmare, when I heard that doctors are NOW saying that dudes with STD’s actually SMELL BAD to women…I about lost my shit.

Is this discovery gender-equal?

Watch.

That said, after listening to Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife explain to ABC’s Nightline that  he had cheated on her and wanted to bang ugly whores an open marriage…

…it made me wonder: what does Newt smell like?

Don’t answer that.